Things That Make You Go 'Argh'.
I have a few foibles. I know, hard to believe and all, but I do. Tonight I am going to talk about a couple of them, because they are somewhat more troublesome than usual at the moment.
I have a longstanding issue with death and non-awareness. I'm going to gloss over this because I suspect I have talked about it before, and I really don't enjoy talking metaphysics since I've done it to death (ha ha!) in my own mind for at least 26 years now, but the idea of un-being freaks me out to the very core. The problem I am having at the moment relates to this.
Frequently this last while, I have been quietly plodding away, when I notice something nice! It might be a sight, a sound, a sensation... could be anything pleasant. I'll smile to myself, happily, and then suddenly a little voice in my head says, "This feeling won't last. You'll die".
Later I might have occasion to draw so little as a line on a piece of paper. "Everything has an end. You'll die."
I might be writing this very blaug post. "Better save your work. You might die before you finish it".
Fuck you, little internal Nihilist. Fuck you.
The other problem I am having lately is good old fashioned paranoia. No, not the delightful tabletop roleplaying game (new edition out soon), but that niggling worry that I have forgotten something and that there will be CONSEQUENCES.
One of the numerous things that the nonsense that is Myers-Briggs gets right about me is that I don't trust that I am not missing some crucial bit of information that I overlooked. This translates in practice into having to check that I didn't leave the bathroom heat-lamp on, the stove on, the fridge ajar, the air-conditioner on, the wrong power points on, and more, every time I leave the house. I frequently pull the door shut, check that I locked it, then unlock it because I forgot to check something. Better than getting halfway to work and suddenly being convinced a hotplate is on and going to burn the house down while I'm at work.
Last night (23rd, I'm writing this late, remember?) at around 9pm I remembered suddenly that I was laminating things at work before finishing up, and that I couldn't remember turning the laminator off.
I made a decision. Rather than spend all night worrying about it, I got up, got dressed, and drove thirty minutes to work, listening to Mozart. I unlocked the national park gate, drove in, locked it behind me, opened the gate to the nursery, then went inside to find that I had indeed turned off the laminator. I then locked up, drove out, locked the nursery gate, opened the park gate, drove through, locked it behind me, and drove thirty minutes home, listening to Mozart. Then I went to bed and slept soundly.
Fuck you, paranoia. Fuck you.