Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Blaugust 20, 2014 - Anxieties

I have an extremely hard time saying 'no'. Whether it is someone asking a favour, asking if I can come and do a job, or an offer of an extra day at work. I always seem to justify it to myself by valuing the positive outcomes of saying 'yes' more highly than the negative outcomes of saying 'no', even when if I look at it in hindsight it will seem obvious that the negatives were the greater. But the real reason is often that I can't bear to disappoint people.

Likewise I have a hard time asking for favours, approaching women, and spruiking my services to clients. Rejection seems far worse to me than it actually is, and I see it as being far more likely than it actually is. Rejection in hindsight isn't usually too bad, but I still can't reconcile the imagined future with actual past experiences. As a result I don't take the risk of putting myself out there as much as I perhaps should, in any of my endeavours. I always hold back, anxiety clouding my judgement.

I worry too much about how I am perceived. When I am writing something like this, I tend to re-write key sentences three or four times, to more accurately convey tone and intended meaning. I'm fairly certain it makes little difference (especially as I am always writing these blogs at the end of the day when I am tired and in want of sleep), but I do it anyway. This also manifests in my habit of over-explanation and numerous rapid-fire qualifying statements when talking to people in person.

I can't stand confrontation. Be it civil or uncivil, it makes me feel awful. It isn't so bad if the confrontation comes as a surprise, as I navigate it and then think about it later. But knowing that there is a confrontation imminent that I can't avoid, on the other hand, is a horrid feeling.

During any sort of confrontation I will almost always try to explain, appease, and compromise, staying well and truly on the defensive. Those few occasions I have had to aggressively pursue an agenda with no chance of compromise always give me the shakes.

I'm always absolutely amazed when people find me scary.

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